This is a great Bill Anderson song, and nobody could have cut it any better than Porter Wagoner, but after listening to it for years a few discrepancies have become apparent.
I got back in town a day before I’d planned to
I smiled and said I’ll sure surprise my wife
I don’t think I’ll phone I’ll just head on home
For I didn’t know the cold hard facts of life
I passed a little wine store on the corner
Stores that sell just wine, and not liquor, are pretty rare. They’ve been arguing about this in Nashville for years. Like, should grocery stores be allowed to sell wine?
I pictured pink champagne by candlelight
I stopped the car right then got out and hurried in
He’d already passed the wine store. If he stopped right then he‘d have had to walk back.
My mind not on the cold hard facts of life
A stranger stood there laughing by the counter
He said I’ll take two bottles of your best
A bottle of Shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck has been known to go for $275,000. Seems like a lot of money to spend on a tramp.
Her husband’s out of town and there’s a party
He winked as if to say you know the rest
I left the store two steps behind the stranger
And speaking of two steps, Two Step Til Ya Puke
From there to my house his car stayed in sight
He must have run back to his car, since it was parked down the street.
But it wasn’t till he turned into my drive that I learned
I was witnessing the cold hard facts of life
I drove around the block till I was dizzy
Each time the noise came louder from within
Wow, she must have been a screamer.
And then I saw our bottle there beside me
“Our bottle”? Huh, he wasn’t gonna share it with this cheatin’ bitch now.
And I drank a fifth of courage and walked in
A fifth? He had a bottle of wine, which isn’t measured in fifths. Anyway, a fifth of any kind of booze could be fatal, especially if drunk in the short time span suggested here.
Lord you should’ve seen their frantic faces
They screamed and cried please put away that knife
I guess I’ll go to hell or I’ll rot here in this cell
This isn’t really a Boolean operator. He could do both, rot in the cell and go to Hell.
But who taught who the cold hard facts of life
Who taught who the cold hard facts of life
Just being picky, but it would be grammatically correct to say “who taught whom the cold hard facts…”
But, nonetheless, it’s a fine country song, and my beautiful wife and I like murder songs.